Patiently Carrying On Somberly

Patiently   Carrying  On   Somberly

Poly Cystic Ovary Syndrome. It does not define me. It is not me. I can beat this.
It is not quite that easy though. It has now been about 3 years since I was first diagnosed with this ugly disease. All of the research that I have done with it, made it seem so complex, so different for everyone. I had most of the symptoms, but they all seemed to come at different times. For instance, the crazy periods, I had those forever. The weight gain though was only recent. I blamed my weight gain on marriage, and not being as athletic as I was in my teens. Little did I know that those were factors, but there was an much worse underlying factor that was not helping. I also had not been told at this point that I had any ovarian cysts. However, after talking with Dr. Servy he agreed on the diagnosis, and even proved that I did in fact have cysts.

So, it was confirmed. I have PCOS. Everyday I wake up, and I still have it. I have heard of people reversing the effects of the disease with diet and exercise, but it has been so absolutely hard for me to lose any weight. That's the kicker. PCOS makes it very, very difficult to do so. But at this point in my life that I am in, I am about to my wits end with dealing with all of this, and really some days want to give up. Of course, I think the want of a baby, keeps me from doing so.  I have decided recently though that if I really want this, then I have to fight. And fight hard. It is just so unbelievably difficult to wake up every single day and have to fight. I occasionally start feeling sorry for myself, why me? What did I do to deserve this? I may never know why I, and many other women, have been chosen to lead this difficult path. For whatever reason though, I believe that God has a plan. It is really hard to except though that his plan may be that I never get pregnant, or never am a mother. For me, this would be devastating. I don't know how to explain this exactly, but ever since I was really young, I have wanted nothing more than to be a mother. Growing up I could never really pinpoint that one thing I wanted to be. Except a mother. I never wanted to be a doctor, lawyer, or anything like that. Just a mom. That's all. Anything after that I would just except. Was that too much to ask? At this point I question this daily.

1 comment:

  1. I have always had the belief that God would not have placed such a great desire to mother children had He not planned for it. So, I believe whole heartedly that I will be a mother soon.